Friday, August 25, 2006

Slogging through the Slough of Despond

OK, the title of this one is a reference to Little Women.  If you never read it, you still should.  Love that book, if not least because Jo is my favorite, and the only one of the bunch that isn’t relentlessly cheerful.  Much better than the movie.

My particular Slough of Despond is my first plateau.  Been stuck at 135 pounds lost for over two weeks.  Rationally, I know the weight loss isn’t over–that I will lose more weight, it’s just a matter of time.  Emotionally, it’s really a struggle.  I’m still 18 pounds from my goal, which I think is a pretty realistic goal. 

Most people lose 70-75% of their weight above ideal.  I weighed 303 when I had the surgery, and the “ideal” weight for my 5′1″ height is 109 pounds.  (As laughable as that is).  So you take 303, subtract 109, and you get 194 pounds.  Multiply that times 75%, and you get 145.5 pounds, which would leave me weighing 157.5 pounds total when I lose 75% of my excess weight.  Right now, I weigh 168.  My goal was 150 pounds, so I’m shooting for a 78% weight loss.

This is not unreasonable, and I can still make it.  I’m only 11 months post-op tomorrow, so there is still time.  Most people continue to lose weight until their 16-18 month mark, so there’s still plenty of time.  Right?  Right.  Just got to keep on keeping on.  If this sounds like a pep talk, it’s because that’s what it is.

Posted by Lisa at 11:05:32 | Permalink | No Comments »

Monday, March 20, 2006

Triumphs

This was originally posted on Thinner Times forum on January 7, 2006.

I finally got a job, after about three months of searching. That was triumph #1. I promised myself I wouldn’t shop until I’ve lost 100 pounds, but had to for the new job.

Triumph #2 - went shoe shopping yesterday, and lost a full size, from a nine back down to an 8… very weird… but a triumph, nonetheless.

Triumph #3 - went shopping for pants today–a lot of my old business suit tops are just fine after the weight loss, but the pants have a tendency to fall down when I stand up. When I tried on pants in the store (something I used to never do–I’d just grab and go) I’ve lost from a 3X or 28-30 size down to 18 or 20, according to brand and style. 18 or 20!

Posted by Lisa at 12:01:02 | Permalink | No Comments »

Where the rubber meets the road

OK, here’s where my WLS tool and writing matter. I am tired–just started a new job, and still getting used to working post-op. I am lonely–my husband’s on another business trip, gone for another week yet. I am situationally depressed–not clinically, just a little sad, a little blue.

And this is where, pre-op, I would have busted out whatever food was available and gone piggerific. But I’m post-op, so I went and got a glass of iced tea (with Splenda) and am sitting here typing like mad. Coping without food is a learned trait. And there’s no way in the wide, blue-eyed world that I would have learned it without the surgery.

Not saying it’s easy–I still WANT the food, the comfort, the touch, taste, texture, smell. But what I’ve got is my tool, some iced tea, and the knowledge that someone out there who I’ve never met will read this and understand. This is where the tool, and all of you, matter. Thank you.

Posted by Lisa at 11:45:55 | Permalink | No Comments »

Fears

NOTE:  I’m bringing some of my posts in from the ThinnerTimes forum that stand on their own.  This was posted there on 2-19-06. 

Not trying to wallow in my emotions here or anything, but I need to lay this out somewhere. I also don’t want you to think I’m paralyzed by fear. Most of what you see below are fleeting thoughts that have re-occurred enough that it makes me realize that they are something I’m worried about.

1. I’m afraid I’ll wake up and all this will be a dream…that I haven’t lost all this weight, that I’m still over 300 pounds and lumbering around in my world.

2. Sometimes I fear that I’m disappearing–that I will simply continue to shrink until I am only a voice crying in the darkness, and then that too will fade.

3. I fear that I will get the weight lost and then get stupid and gain it all back, doing even more damage to my battered body.

4. I’m afraid that I will change into some other person, from a modest woman to someone who will dress like a cheap floozie just because I can. I remember thinking so many times, “Yep, if I had a body like that, I’d dress like that, too.”

5. I fear that I will always consider myself a patient–that I will never get to the point where I can go an entire day without thinking about my pouch or what I can or can’t eat.

6. I’m afraid that I have simply switched my obsession with getting enough food to obsessing about getting too much food or eating the wrong food.

7. I’m scared to think that men will look at me as if they want me again, and that I might not be able to resist. A shrink once told me that I got fat in order to keep myself faithful to my husband. What if the weight is all that kept me in my marriage? What happens once it’s gone?

8. I fear that, once I lose all the weight I want to lose, I won’t particularly like the person that I’ve excavated from under the layers of fat.

Posted by Lisa at 11:44:15 | Permalink | No Comments »